Previously this blog has been made up of posts which I’ve spent a bit of time thinking over and writing and rewriting ’til I got it right and stuff, but things are going to be a bit different from now on. This site is basically a journal for me, to write down the thoughts that are really sticking out to me at the time. So it might be full of short entries and the longer entries that I used to do as well.
I’m really dreading tomorrow. It’s my great gran’s birthday and I have to go see her. I love her, a lot, don’t get me wrong it’s not that I don’t want to see her… but she has alzheimers. She doesn’t really know who I am – or at least, not as I am now. She remembers five year old me, but not 16 year old me. So every five minutes she needs to be reminded then she’ll ask the same questions over and over… and it can get really upsetting. I really love her, and I used to get on really well with her. But now she just doesn’t know who I am..
I think the most upsetting thing is realising I don’t really want to go. It’s horrible.
): x
Update: After crying my eyes out continually about this for about two hours this morning, and staying up all last night (until I crashed out, then I had nightmares about it) just to postpone it, I know I have to go. Not going was never really an option in my head, though I knew I could not go if I really didn’t want to. But I want to see my gran – and I’m not going to not go and then live in regret for the rest of my life because I wasn’t strong enough to do it.